In a DRASTIC turn of events, my life just took a turn for the GOOD!
In just a little over a week my blog went viral, and caught the attention of several of my comedienne heroines. Even better, two of my favorites, Ellen DeGeneres (she thoroughly enjoy Just SHAVE Your Legs!) and Nia Vardalos (who of course was inspired by Life Lessons from My Big SEXY Sicilian Grandma) contacted me via email offering me jobs! I wanted to accept Nia’s offer to co-write a sitcom on my life, and the events in my My Big Fat SICILIAN Life. My dear hubs, Jon, however, INSISTED that I go with Ellen’s offer, since he IDOLIZES her. Unfortunately, Ellen’s offer was more drastic than Nia’s, but the paycheck was larger, so we decided on that one.
SO, I am OFFICIALLY ANNOUNCING that today, April 1, 2016, we are packing our bags and moving to see the colorful (the word of the day suggested by The Daily Post) sites of Australia. That’s right, Ellen wants me to be the host of a new show called “American Whitey Goes Pygmy Aborigines”. Let’s read the contract shall we?:
- You must live in the desert of the outback with the Pygmy Aborigines (hereto-forth known as PyAb) for no less than one year. This includes building your own one room hut from branches with a dirt floor. Absolutely no modern technology, electricity or conveniences will be permitted. Ok I can handle being outside, but no INDOOR PLUMBING? I will KILL this short little people if I go to the bathroom!! uuug, but the pay is good…
- NO HUMOR! The PyAb consider humor to be a mark of the devil. And NO DRINKING, since you are too funny when you drink. I can’t be funny anymore? That’s like not BREATHING! I can’t help it, it’s a defense mechanism. And no wine, beer or cider?!!! Ug I guess…since the pay is GOOOD.
- NO English!! Henceforth you must only communicate using PyAb sign, and a series of clicks, grunts and squeals. NO TALKING? ME? OK. Fine. I can do it…the pay is Good.
- You must acquire a side job acceptable to the PyAb Community when you are not filming. Beginning April 2 you will work in the PyAb community collecting spiderweb silk from Black Widows. @#$%^&*)!!! SERIOUSLY?? SPIDERS??? I GUESS I could stand there while the dear hubs Jon does it…the money is REALLY GOOD.
- FINAL CLAUSE: Under NO circumstance may you shave your legs or underarms again, as that is considered indecent and punishable by death within the PyAb community. DON’T SHAVE MY LEGS??? THAT’s IT!! With my luck I will be dragged out by the PyAb and chained to a tree and left to be consumed by Black Widows in front of reality TV cameras.
I can deal with clauses 1-4, but clause 5 is COMPLETELY, and TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE!! It’s A JOKE!! Wait… a joke? That’s right!! You should have known from the very FIRST sentence! You think I would stop talking, drinking and being FUNNY,? The three things I am good at! And you thought I would live without a potty and go within 1 MILE of SPIDERS? Also, I don’t think there are Pygmy aborigines, for what it’s worth. What do I have to say for myself for wasting 5 minutes of your life? How about:
“HAPPY APRIL FOOL’s EVERYONE!!!” May your April 1st be full of joy, and your legs as smooth as silk!!”