I have had this blog drafted up for 2 days now, and just haven’t had the time to finish so YES, after all this work I AM going to combine TWO Daily Posts prompts into one blog.
Anyone who remotely knows me needs to realized one VERY vital fact: I have never EVER, nor will I EVER BE a morning person. Look, I dislike them so much that I even put it in my sarcasm font: morning people. See. The only exception to that rule is that if I stay up without going to sleep at ALL then yes, I WILL be a morning person. Otherwise, if I have hit the bed, and need to arise from slumber ANY time before 9 am…people may (and have) die.
I mean even Mother Nature is not ALWAYS a morning person. Have you ever seen fog (and THERE is the prompt from yesterday)? It PROVES that even some mornings Mother Nature can’t even get her act together, so HOW am I supposed to?
Actually, I feel like I need this sign outside my bedroom door. JUST to remind the dear hubs and spawns of evil…I mean my kids that if you need anything more than a grunt form me before 9 am: “BEWARE & GOOD LUCK!” And to those of you morning people who claim that “you can be a morning person, you’ve gotten up in the middle of the night with kids”: NOT THE SAME! What I call “emergency mom mode” at 2 am when a kid is puking, etc. is just that: an EMERGENCY, which is marked by the presence of ADRENALINE which MAKES ANYONE awake (though it does take me longer than the dear hubs to respond to the parenting 911’s).
OK sorry I “squirreled” again. Sadly, my complete and utter lack of ability to function in the morning is NOT by choice. I would LOVE to be a morning person, really! I AGREE that y’all get more done, etc. but I CAN’T PHYSICALLY DO IT. It is NOT a choice. If you start a car on a bitter cold day and blast your heater, is it IMMEDIATELY going to blow out hot air? NO, and the older the car, the longer it takes for that air to heat up. Well I got a REALLY OLD “wake up” response system (see About The Warden of the Nuthouse to read about all the faulty parts I got on birthing day). So not only does it take me 10+ minutes just to fall out of the bed, but for the next hour or so, everything is a stumbling fumble. So to all you morning people out there, I love you, but I FART in your general direction. Due to the fact that my Brain is locked (and THERE is today’s prompt for the Daily Post) in a clumsy coma, this means that EVERYTHING goes wrong in the mornings. You don’t believe me? How about I regale you with a sample morning “routine” (the sarcasm font is strong there):
After concussing my snooze button countless times, I finally haul my exhausted ASSets out of bed and BAM!! I am welcomed by a nice cold puddle that my geriatric Dixie left RIGHT outside my bedroom door. Then after I wipe my tainted foot off, I head across the hall to awaken the Krakken… I mean my 8 year old… for school. Jonah VIOLENTLY detests mornings, so I do my best to avoid the brunt of kicks and smacks until he is awake enough to realize what he’s doing. Then the 5 minute hysteria of not wanting to go to school, until I kick his butt downstairs. AT the bottom of the stairs I’m greeted by a shredded bag and the contents of the kitchen garbage strewn across the lower level thanks to our “middle dog child” CJ.
Then as I’m attempting to ignite a fire under the butt of Jonah (who got passed up by a SNAIL), my Sassy Pants Devil Diva Daughter gets up and DEMANDS breakfast. I tell her to “HOOSH, not til Jonah is on the bus.” After five minutes and nearly missing the bus, Jonah is off and I feed my Little Pistol Aria her 3- 6 pancakes. During the ensuing 45 seconds of silence, I release the Pug from Purgatory from her crate and put her potty.
Then Aria and I go upstairs, and for 5 – 10 minutes she refuses to put on any of the outfits picked out because a 5 year old knows MUCH better than a 33 year old that plaids and polka dots belong together!! I finally give up and leave her room rubbing my temples, throw on whatever is clean in my room and we rush down, as now we are behind. I let the Pug from Purgatory back in. She gives me a kiss, and THAT’s when I realize that she must have found where the OTHER dogs went to the bathroom…AAAAND ate their poop!! I pick the pup up by the scruff, throw her BACK in the crate and go bleach my face three times. In the 30 seconds it took me to put the PfP in her crate, CJ saw that I left the door open (our screen door doesn’t latch) and HE bolts out for a run.
*HEAD DESK* Another 15 minutes later we are OFFICIALLY late, CJ is FINALLY back in and crated, and I head out for the 40 minute commute to drop off Aria at my parents, and then get to work.
After being behind dozens of old biddies who think it’s a GREAT plan to go 15 mph in a 35 mph zone, I FINALLY arrive at work, and, by the Grace of God, have not murdered anyone or attained a speeding ticket. I mumble an incoherent “Morning” at my co-workers and stumble into the kitchen for a LARGE, STRONG cup of COFFEE! Once I explain to them about my morning, I’m pretty sure they want me to go back into my silent stupor lol.
Luckily I have great friends who know AND love the fact that I’m a “night owl” and that I need laughs in the morning. A VERY good of friend of mine had the below video waiting on my FB wall along with the following statement:
HEY Meg LOOK!! It’s you “waiting” for your Fireball shot!
So I guess the “moral” is if you are a perpetual useless FOG in the mornings, at least have good friends to laugh you out!