It’s been over 2 weeks since I’ve blogged, and I apologize. It was nice to have a comment: “where are you Megs? I need a laugh!” Well I’m back. And here’s your daily laugh… as always: at my expense.
As I’ve discussed in NUMEROUS prior blogs (Lift the Fog: Awaken the Locked Brain) I am NOT a morning person, but the Dear Hubs IS (no one’s perfect I guess). He always tells me that it’s better to shower in the morning, to wake up, etc. etc. I’m here to tell you for Posterity, in case I die next time I attempt to shower in the morning, that claim is FALSE (There our beloved Daily Post again). It is NOT better for me to shower in the morning, and here’s why:
- The evil short people that you’ve created are awake. YES the NUMBER ONE reason showering in the morning is HORRIBLE is because my “sweet, angelic darlings” (aka my Hellions, Evil Spawns of …Megan) are awake. In fact this fact influences almost every other fact I will list below it. Let’s face it, I could be in the same room as the kiddos for an hour, and they will completely ignore me… until I go into another room and SHUT the door. Then, I can say with 100% confidence that one of them will need me that very second! Every. Single. Time. I go into the bathroom and shut the door. Unfortunately we have no lock on the bathroom door (#@$%^&&!!!!!) so I tell my kids EVERY time I’m running into the shower: “Do NOT open the door or interrupt my shower unless it is a LIFE THREATENING EMERGENCY!” I’ve learned that the following are “life threatening emergencies“:
needing a glass of water, losing the TV remote, being hungry (after eating 5 minutes earlier), having to use the restroom (after using it 5 minutes earlier), and breathing the same air as your sibling. Even if, by some MIRACLE, the kids decide to abide by the “don’t bug me unless it’s a life threatening emergency” rule, I know I only have a 5 minute max before “the Bickersons” get into it. Which brings me to:
- A Five minute shower? I will admit: I take long, hot showers. Hey, I don’t smoke, do drugs, use foul language (too much), so let me have this vice ok? I enjoy being able to dally under a constant stream of hot water for 10 minutes and day dream without being interrupted. As per #1, if I shower in the morning, I am EXCEEDINGLY lucky to get 5 minutes to myself. The dear hubs doesn’t understand why I need so long to shower. It’s because women have SO MUCH MORE to accomplish in the shower!! I have to wash my hair, which is conservatively 28 times longer than the dear hubs, since he allows the barber to nearly scalp him. And you have to leave the shampoo on a minute or 2, because I want my hair to absorb that Sensual Vanilla/Passion fruit pleasure scent thingy. Then, I have to condition my hair so that it doesn’t frizz out and leave me looking like a hybrid of Michael Jackson circa 1975 and Steve Tyler circa…now. And as any good women knows, conditioner has to stay on at LEAST two minutes. It is during that time that we exfoliate our face/body/feet and get the dead skin off, then wash all of our “Nether Regions” so that we smell like the delicate flowers we are supposed to be. Then it’s time to rinse the conditioner. And of COURSE we can’t forget the most IMPORTANT task of the shower: Just SHAVE our Legs, armpits, etc. Trying to cram all of the above into 5 minutes does NOT bode well for me, which usually leads to…
- I Don’t Have Time for/Forgot WHAT? There’s NO way I have have time to do all the above so I usually forget/forgo things. Today as usual the door opened for a “Life Threatening Emergency” (Aria needed pancakes) JUST as I opened the shower curtain to get out. Sidenote our front door is RIGHT next to the bathroom, so THANKFULLY no one was at the door, or else that would have gotten a full-frontal visual assault! Needless to say, I hurriedly shut the door and THREW my clothes on before said door opened again. In my hurry I forgot one IMPORTANT thing: “Aunt Flow” is visiting. Yup! I forgot my “cork and protector” (aka tampon and pantyliner). THANKFULLY I visited the restroom early in the workday, discovered the horrifying bit of negligence, immediately rectified the “situation” and disaster was averted. Which brings me to…
- I’m NOT a morning person! This means I move slowly at BEST. I ALWAYS hit the “sleep” on my alarm and wait until almost too late to get up. So getting everything done in the shower, while rushing and half asleep? NOT going to happen. I have learned a LONG time ago: Do NOT attempt to shave my legs before noon. EVER. The couple times I tried, it ended up VERY similar to the time I nearly decapitated myself and scarred Jonah (see I JUST Wanted to SHAVE my Legs….). So if it’s a morning shower, I will NOT be shaving my legs. And we ALL know what happens if you DON’T shave (Why “Just Shave Your Legs”?)!
So, if you excuse me, it’s time to go back and RE-shower so I can rectify the fact that my armpits and legs look like Medusa on a bad hair day!!
Until next time… shower in the evening and just SHAVE your LEGS!!