We reached another milestone this weekend: Jonah had a friend “sleep over” aka spend the night at our house for the first time. LUCKY ME (sarcasm font). I can’t complain too much as fortunately the Dear Hubs was off work the next day, so he got to deal with everything. Even though I admittedly didn’t have to do much, I was still around enough to be VERY grateful for some things:
- That the ratio of adults to evil-energy sapping small people (aka children) is 1 to 1.
- That the ratio of boys to girls is 1 to 1 (I used to want 2 boys but you will see why this changed in a moment).
- And most IMPORTANTLY that my dear hubs is considerate (SHH DON’T tell him I said that, as I don’t want him getting an ego).
What earth shattering event led me on this journey of gratefulness expressed above? It was… get ready for it… the TOILET SEAT. Yep, that’s right! I apparently was under the misguided notion that all men/boys were taught from an early age the imperative rule: ALWAYS put the toilet seat DOWN when you are done!! I was wrong.
In case you are a younger female reader, who grew up with all sisters, and a considerate father like I did, let me enlighten you on something: Apparently most men stand while “going to the bathroom” (aka #1, urinating, peeing, breaking the seal, etc.) and instead of just lifting the toilet lid and go to the bathroom, most of them decide they must also lift the SEAT as well.
And while we’re on the subject: WHO decided that men need to stand will using the restroom? The don’t stand while using the restroom for the “other” need, and usually end up doing “both things” at the same time anyway, so WHY stand? In line with that, WHO decided that the toilet SEAT must be lifted for men to use the restroom? There is roughly a 10″ target with the seat DOWN! Honestly, lifting the seat only gives you an extra couple of inches target range. Let’s face it, guys have YEARS of “practicing aim” and you can’t just pee with the seat there.
Now I KNOW the counterargument is coming, so I will address it here. “We need the seat up because we might drip on it”. While this is an understandable argument, guess what: us ladies occasionally “drip” too! It happens to the best of us. But do you know what we do, we take a couple of squares of toilet paper and.. drumroll please… WIPE IT OFF! It adds an agonizing 5 seconds to our bathroom routine.
And furthermore, and MOST irritatingly, WHO decided that instead of “wiping” the ah… area used to go to the bathroom with a piece of toilet paper (like EVERY woman does) that men should instead: “shake it off”? HOW is shaking droplets of urine around the restroom (aka bathroom, water closet, washroom, etc.) a good idea?! IT’S NOT!!!
But alas, even though statistically I will EVERY argument on this matter, I know that, sadly, I will never change the way “things” are done, so I won’t even try. I DO have ONE LAW in my home:
The seat was down when you came in, and it BETTER be down when you leave!
One person had the AUDACITY (and a death wish) to question my rule, and they almost
didn’t survive. When I confronted the insidious offender, his ASSinine (yes, I KNOW I misspelled it) remark was: “I don’t gripe when you leave the seat down, so you shouldn’t gripe when I leave it up.”
After I valiantly fought the urge to smack him forcibly in the head, I spoke slowly and used small words to formulate my simple response:
“GUESS WHAT?! No one ever “fell in” because the seat was left down. Have YOU ever “fallen in” a toilet before? No? Then SHUT UP and PUT MY SEAT DOWN!!”
You ladies know what I mean! I hear your “AMEN!” chorus! PICTURE THIS: you wake up in the middle of the night having to “go to the bathroom” You put it off as LONG as you can because you don’t want to leave your comfy, warm bed. When you can’t wait ANY longer, you finally get up and stumble into the nearest bathroom. You don’t bother to turn the light on because it would blind you, and take longer to “relieve yourself”, and you may not be able to fall back asleep after. You shuffle to the potty and sit down, expecting the beloved porcelain seat to cushion your tush. Instead… “SPLASH!” Your poor, sleepy self is horrifyingly awakened as your tushy is unexpectedly plunged into bitter COLD, NASTY, germy, tainted toilet water!! And just IMAGINE if the offender had decided to abide by the “if it’s yellow let it mellow” rule, and DIDN’T FLUSH after his… bathroom use!!! YES, this HAS happened to me!!!!
It’s a tale from a horror story. So men and boys of ALL ages I’m going to leave you with a piece of advice to make the world a better, happier, cleaner, more peaceful place: one pee at a time! I’ll even put it in a language you understand: memes from your favorite movie characters (this is my first meme, so be nice):
TREKKIE GUYS: Obey Captain Picard’s orders and… “Make it so (after) Number One”
SCI-FI FANTASY NERD GUYS: I will use a Jedi Mind Trick for the Weak minded
ACTION MOVIE GUYS: “I will FIND you… and I will make you PAY!”
Just in case you didn’t get the point guys:
After you take a leak guys, JUST DROP the SEAT!