“We’ve Been Married 12 Years & it Only Feels like 12 Minutes… UNDERWATER”

April 24, 2004

I borrowed (the Daily Post word of the day) the above phrase from my dear hubs’ as it is one of his favorite sayings. The first thing that I fell in love with about him, was his innate ability to laugh at himself. On our first date we were ice skating, and he was so bad that he kept falling and he nearly split his skull open, but he still kept laughing. Since today is our 12 year anniversary, I thought it only right to commemorate each year with a funny memory we have together. So without further ado…here are the twelve funniest memories I can think of, in no particular order. 

Meg’s Disclaimer/Warning: The rest of this post may be overly silly, inappropriate, etc. so don’t read it if you are somewhere that you can’t LOUDLY giggle, laugh, guffaw or snort. Additionally PLEASE use discretion and don’t eat or drink while reading this, I’m not very good at the remote Heimlich maneuver. PLEASE make sure you have Peed recently BEFORE reading this, or go gird yourself with Depends first… You have been warned!

• Violent Meg. We were newlyweds and teasing/flirting in the kitchen. He kept trying to eat the food I was chopping, and I jokingly said, “don’t MAKE me cut you. If you do it again I will.” So of course he grabbed more food, and I meant to FAKE stab his hand, but he moved at the same time and I ACTUALLY stabbed his hand. It didn’t need stitches, but we laughed hysterically and he made sure I got a LOT of flack: “Be careful, Meg WILL stab you!”
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  April 24, 2004

  Where’s the baby? We took our first child, Jonah, on his very first “outing at 5 days old to dinner at my parents. When we were ready to go back hom, it winter and we were exhausted, so we made sure the car was warm and running. Then we had all the crap loaded in the car and we pulled out. Just as we pulled out and passed their neighbors house, we both screamed: “OH MY GOD THE BABY!!!” Yep, we forgot our firstborn and left him sleeping in his carrier on my parents dryer. And of COURSE my family RAGGED on us lol.

• HOOOOLY CRAAAP!! This is another story from the first week or two of Jonah’s life. One of us was changing him, I don’t even remember who. All I remember was mid change, JUST as a fresh, clean diaper was ALMOST ON, the child PROJECTILE POOed all over himself, the new diaper, BOTH parents (we were both there), the floor, the opposite wall (6 FEET AWAY) and yes… THE CEILING!! In ALL future changes and children, NOTHING ever came CLOSE to that horrendous mess.
• Seven months vs Seven Steaks Pregnant. I was pregnant with our second child, Aria, and was all baby since I had lost weight due to not being able to eat. I was complaining about how I was miserable and just wanted to “button my pants again”. That’s when the dear hubs decided we should take a photo and make everyone guess who’s belly was whose, and also bigger. He succeeded, as usual, in cheering me up.
• Megan from Misery. Dear hubs has had several bouts with kidney stones. For one particular incident, him and I were stuck in the Hospital Emergency Room for HOURS only to be told, go home and pass them there. At this point we were exhausted and starving so before home, he asked to go get a bite to eat. Every time the car hit a pothole, or jerked around a turn, he would yell “OOOOOOOOOOOW!!!” I couldn’t help it, I BUSTED out laughing (I think it was a combo of being overtired, relieved that we were headed home and slap happy). Then he looked at me horrified and said “Geez you are like Kathy Bates from the movie ‘Misery'”. I had never seen the movie, so he had to explain to me that it was about a psycho abusive wife. Well that made me laugh even HARDER, which then made him laugh, which then in turn made him scream, and the vicious cycle went over and over. We were both crying and laughing.
• Candid Father/Daughter photo. The dear hubs is known for being very comfortable in his own skin. As a result he LOVES photobombing people, and taking goofy photos of himself. One of our very dear friends had finally gotten pregnant and sincentive we were so close, all 4 of us (hubs, two kids and I) were all invited to their baby shower. While most “normal people” we’re watching the gifts being opened, the dear hubs decided to “ham it up”. He got the attention of our friend Lee, who is a talented photographer and was snapping pics of the event (check out his work on his site Lee Hawkins Living Photography. “Hey Lee, look: we are twins”, and he proceeded to bug his eyes out and suck on a binky just like Aria.
• NO LANDING Zone! I will try to keep last story story PG-1. I thought about not posting it, but it’s the funniest story in all our marriage, so I would be remiss in leaving it out. Don’t worry though, if you are reading this, the dear hubs’ gave me the OK to post it (I felt I should run it by him first) which show’s what a stand-up guy he is. This story was also from our “newlywed” first year of marriage. It was late in the evening and we were about to get…intimate. When SUDDENLY our pet Senegal parrot, Harvey, flew into the room and… LANDED ON the dear hubs’…PERCH. YES, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED, I can’t MAKE THIS UP. Apparently in the excitement before, I forgot to latch Harvey’s cage shut, and he felt lonely and flew in to us. As you can imagine, things deteriorated quickly into screams of shock and pain, and shrieks of laughter (ESPECIALLY after the poor hubs screamed “DON’T PECK MY PECKER!!! Get him OFF!!”). Right after I threw Harvey in his cage, Sexy Grandma called in the midst of the chaos (check out Life Lessons from My Big SEXY Sicilian Grandma to learn ALL about Sexy G). Grandma overheard the dear hubs yelping that we needed to do something because Harvey’s claws were sharp and pointy and he had “several piercings” where there should be none. So of COURSE I than had to explain to Sexy Grandma what happened. Her timeless response is still quoted by the dear hubs and I to this day: “it will be fine honey, just put some Neosporin on it, because  you don’t want THAT getting infected!!” Don’t worry folks, we did have two kids so the “prayers for the pecker to be ok” as we jokingly said, helped. 😉

So to my dear hubs: here’s for putting up with the chaos and my psychosis for TWELVE YEARS! You are OFFICIALLY a SAINT, and I love you!

If you will all excuse me, the hubs is almost done watching the basketball game so I have to go shave my legs. Let’s hope that the Cleveland Cavs win, because: 

P.S. Many thanks to Domesticated Momster for giving me the courage to post the last story (I felt validated after “the goat” story;)